Loving People Who Constantly Criticize You

"My goal is to make you so miserable that you resign and leave."

Those were the words Bill spoke to me one day while standing in my office.  Unfortunately, it wasn't the first difficult conversation I had with Bill, and it certainly wouldn't be the last.  For nearly eight years, Bill made it pretty clear that he wanted me gone.  He didn't appreciate some of the changes I had led our church through, and he wasn't shy about letting me or anyone else know how he felt.  From criticizing me in public meetings to screaming at me in hallways, and even harassing my oldest daughter, Bill seemed determined to make me regret the day I agreed to become his pastor.  And I have to admit, there were plenty of days when he succeeded.

I've been in ministry for over forty years, and one thing I've learned is that criticism is simply part of being a pastor.  Some of it is deserved.  Some of it can actually help us become better leaders.  And then there is the kind that just hurts.  The kind that follows you home at night and stays on your mind long after the conversation has ended.

I don't think the greatest challenge is learning how to avoid criticism.  That's probably impossible.  The greater challenge is learning how to love people who continually criticize us without allowing their attitudes to change ours.

Jesus gives us some pretty challenging instructions in Luke 6:27–28 (NKJV): "But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you."

I've preached that passage more than once.  Living it out, however, is another matter.  Through the years, I've learned a few things about dealing with people who make ministry difficult.

1. Not Every Critic Is Your Enemy

I think one of the mistakes we can make as pastors is assuming that anyone who questions our leadership is against us.  That's simply not true.  I've had people challenge my decisions who genuinely loved me and wanted what was best for our church.  Looking back, some of those conversations helped me more than I realized at the time.

But there is a difference between someone who disagrees with you and someone who is determined to hurt you.  Constructive criticism can be uncomfortable, but it usually comes from a desire to make things better.  Destructive criticism often becomes personal and sometimes has very little to do with the issue being discussed.

We need to listen carefully, even when we don't like what we're hearing.  But we also need to understand that loving people doesn't mean allowing them to continually mistreat us or our families.  There are times when boundaries need to be established and inappropriate behavior confronted.  Sometimes other church leaders need to become involved.  You can love someone and still tell them that the way they're behaving is wrong.

2. Be Careful That Their Bitterness Doesn't Become Yours

This one has been particularly difficult for me.  When someone continually criticizes you, it's easy to let those conversations take up more room in your mind than they deserve.  You replay what they said.  You think about what you should have said.  You even find yourself having imaginary conversations where you finally get to tell them exactly what you think.

I've done that more times than I care to admit.

The problem is that we can become so focused on the people who are making our lives miserable that we begin overlooking the many wonderful people God has placed in our care.  I've known pastors who were loved and appreciated by the overwhelming majority of their congregation, yet they spent most of their emotional energy worrying about the handful who didn't like them.  I've been there myself.

1 Peter 3:9 (NKJV) tells us not to return "evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing."

That's not always easy.  But we have to remember that someone else's behavior doesn't give us permission to respond in the same way.  We cannot control what others say or do, but by God's grace, we can learn to respond differently.  Don't let a few difficult people rob you of the joy of serving the Lord and shepherding His people.

3. Remember That God Is Still Working on Both of You

One of the lessons I've had to learn, sometimes the hard way, is that I cannot change another person's heart.  I can explain my decisions, listen to their concerns, and do everything I know to make things right.  But I cannot make someone like me or agree with me.  And I certainly cannot make them forgive me or let go of their anger.

That's something only God can do.

I spent years wanting God to change Bill.  What I didn't realize was how much God needed to change me along the way.

Jesus tells us to pray for those who mistreat us.  I don't think that means we pretend their actions don't hurt or that everything is fine.  But I've learned that it's hard to keep praying for someone and continually hold on to bitterness toward them. Sometimes those prayers don't change the other person, at least not in ways we can see.  But God can use them to do something in our own hearts.

And sometimes, He surprises us.

Let Me Tell You How Things Ended with Bill

One Christmas Eve, just before our worship service began, Bill caught me in the foyer and started in on me again.  This time he was upset about some staff changes we had made.  During the conversation, he looked at me and said, "Why don't you just leave and go back to Kentucky?"

Believe me, at that moment, Kentucky sounded pretty good.

After the service ended, I went home and told Melissa, "Let's get in the car and go see Bill."  On the way to his house, we stopped at the grocery store and picked up some flowers for his wife.  When we knocked on the door, she invited us in, and we sat and talked for quite a while.  Before we left, I asked Bill if he would mind if we prayed together.  He agreed, so we stood in a circle in his living room, held hands, and prayed.

That evening began a series of monthly visits with Bill and his wife.  I wish I could tell you that all those conversations were pleasant, but they weren't.  We still had disagreements, and there were times when the visits were difficult.  But we kept going, and we always ended our time together by standing in his living room and praying.

After several months, something happened that I will never forget.  We were standing together, holding hands, and I had just finished praying.  I said, "Amen," but Bill wouldn't let go of my hand.  Instead, he squeezed it and began praying for me and Melissa.

I wasn't expecting that.  But I sure appreciated it.

Over time, God began doing something in both of our hearts.  Bill began letting go of some of the anger he had carried, and God was helping me let go of some of the hurt and frustration I had carried for years.  It didn't happen overnight, but our relationship began to change.

Some time later, I stood beside Bill as he was nearing the end of his life.  As he lay in bed, he looked at his wife and said, "It's going to be okay."  Then he pointed toward me and told her, "If you need anything, all you need to do is reach out to Will.  He will make sure you are taken care of."

I don't know that I can adequately describe what those words meant to me.  Here was a man who had spent years wanting me to leave his church, and now, as his life was coming to an end, he trusted me and Melissa to help take care of his wife.

I wish I could tell you that every difficult relationship I've experienced in ministry ended that way.  Unfortunately, that's not the case.  Some people left angry.  Some relationships were never restored.  And there are still situations I wish had turned out differently.

But I'm thankful for what God did between Bill and me.  It was a reminder of what can happen when God's grace begins working in the hearts of two people who have spent years struggling with one another.

Pastor, don't allow a handful of difficult people to steal the joy of shepherding the many wonderful people God has entrusted to your care.  Love them, pray for them, listen when you need to listen, and establish boundaries when necessary.  But don't allow their bitterness to become yours.

You may never be able to change your critics.  But by God's grace, you don't have to become like them.

And who knows?  God may not be finished writing the story of that difficult relationship.

Blessings!

Will